CONNIE

Keshet Ben Perez

Christmas was always mine and Connie's favorite time of year. Every year we would put on Christmas music and bake cookies, decorate the tree together, wrap the presents for the children in red and green and drink hot cocoa wearing our Christmas themed pajamas. Basically all the things that most people do. But we had one tradition that no one else had. It was our favorite tradition which we've been keeping ever since we got married and started living together which was about 21 years ago. We lived in the countryside so we had a really big garden behind our house. When we moved in, we changed everything but there was one thing that we left. The holly growing in our back yard all over our fence. We fell in love with it right away because of its colours and how it brightens up the place. And don't get me started on the holiday atmosphere that it created every year. So when the holiday time was upon us, Connie had a brilliant idea. We used it to create a Christmas wreath of our own which we hung on our front door to share the holiday spirit with everyone passing b

But last Christmas changed everything. Connie was diagnosed with cancer in June last year and fought with it bravely with me by her side for over 6 months. But unfortunately it was stronger and she passed away on the night of Christmas Eve. It was the worst day of my life and this was the hardest year. I couldn't think about Christmas like I did before, now everything it reminded me of, was Connie. So this year before Christmas, I had my biggest breakdown since she passed. I didn't know what to do, I just wanted to skip this time of year completely and pretend it never existed. The worst part of it was, that the thing that reminded me of us the most, was gone - the holly in our garden. It's like a piece of Connie was in it, so when she died, the plant died with her. I felt like everything that was left from her was gone. And the whole Christmas spirit around me was just reminding me of the pain.

But one morning, a week before Christmas, I woke up and decided that I was going to start fresh. I missed Connie so much and mentally I was in the darkest place I've ever been. But I didn't want to let her down, so I decided to keep our traditions and try to think of this time of year as a reminder of all the great years that me and Connie shared. I decided to celebrate Christmas for her, for us.

I put on our favorite holiday songs and baked our traditional holiday cookies, I put up the tree and decorated it, then wrapped the presents for the children and at the end of the day I made myself a cup of hot cocoa, put on my Christmas pajama and watched our favorite Christmas movie. I was thinking about her the whole time and even though it hurt so bad, I felt like I was finally able to start moving on. And then the weirdest thing happened. I went out to the terrace to check up on my flower beds as it was snowing outside, when I saw something red on the fence. I came closer and couldn't believe my eyes. Fresh leaves of holly were growing all over it. This isn't possible, I thought to myself. I didn't water it nor did I plant new seeds. But somehow it started growing again. I convinced myself that I'm delusional, that I'm just having hallucinations and flashbacks from the previous years and went to bed.

The next morning I woke up and immediately went to the garden. Not only the holly was still there, but it grew even more over night. I didn't understand how it was possible but I didn't really care.

Suddenly the holiday spirit filled my heart again, and even though Connie wasn't there with me, I finally felt a little hopeful. I started talking to people again, I went shopping, I cleaned my house as I neglected it this last year and took out mine and Connie's pictures out again. And everyday the holly was growing more and more. It seemed like the more I was moving on, the more it kept on growing. It was like a Christmas miracle.

So the day before Christmas I decided to keep our favorite tradition and make Connie happy. I cut off a few leaves and made a wreath which I hung on our front door. So when Christmas Eve finally came, it was very hard as it was exactly one year since I lost her. But for the first time in the year, I felt happy again. For the first time, I knew that she was with me.